After the infidelity: stay or go?
When you receive the devastating news that your spouse has had an affair, how do you decide whether to stay or leave? Because you feel betrayed, your first impulse is usually anger and the desire to leave, fight, or flee. But, after calming down, you realize that you will lose a lot and you may have children to watch out for. Don’t make an instant decision that you may regret later, once the damage is done. It is possible to find extraordinary love after divorcing late in life, but most of my clients report that potential partners are no better than those who left.
While I don’t think you should stay and suffer if nothing works, in my office I see many couples doing the work and ending up happier than before. The affair may have occurred after long-standing problems in the marriage, which can actually be corrected to the satisfaction of both spouses. Dissatisfaction often arises from resentment, and the root causes can be addressed with the help of counseling. If both partners are willing to change what is not working, a marriage can be improved and become a satisfying life of pleasant company.
I also see a good number of couples who get back together after a divorce, because they had the opportunity to see what it is like to be alone, and to calm down and overcome small resentments. Unfortunately, they are now much poorer due to the costs of divorce, property division, etc. Here are some reasons to stay or go:
Top 5 reasons to stay:
• Your spouse truly acknowledges that you have a problem and is willing to get help to fix it and be responsible for rebuilding trust.
• You two will be counseled and understand why the affair happened and how to solve the problems.
• You are getting your own sex life back on track, if it was off track.
• You have a long shared history, joint finances, and family ties that make the marriage worth keeping together.
• They still love each other and it is clearly mutual.
Top 5 reasons to go:
• Your spouse denies, makes excuses, and blames you. This means that he or she is engaged in cheating behavior and is not ready to change.
• You have had it, you no longer feel connected, and you are unwilling to work on it. Make sure this is not just temporary anger.
• You are prepared to be alone.
• Either you have no children, they are adults, or you are sure that a divorce will be better for them than what is happening.
• Your spouse refuses to leave the other relationship or infidelity in general.
Solving these problems together will repair and improve your relationship, or teach you the skills and attitudes you need to know to make any relationship great.