My husband doesn’t know if he wants to stay married: tips and advice that can help

I recently received an email from a very distraught wife who was at a crossroads in her marriage. During an argument, her husband blurted out that he just didn’t know if he wanted to stay married. When pressed, he told her that he “thought” he still loved her, but he also thought he didn’t want to be married to her anymore. She wasn’t sure how to process this contrast. How could he love her but not want to share her life with her as a married couple? And how was she supposed to respond to this? Sure, things had been a little rough lately, but she had no idea he was thinking of ending things. So, she was now faced with not only trying to deal with the impact of the situation, but also how to fix it before things deteriorated towards divorce. I tell you how I advised her in the following article.

Telling you that he’s not sure if he wants to stay married is a valuable wake-up call: First of all, I have to tell you that no matter how bad I feel right now, the fact that I tell you is actually a bonus. I have so many women who write to me AFTER her husband has already filed for divorce or after things have severely deteriorated to the point where there is no communication. However, by communicating her feelings to him, her husband has shown that he is still willing to participate in the give and take. This is a positive thing and allows you the luxury of time to address it properly.

That being said, this is really only an advantage if you take steps that improve the situation. Obviously, if you take steps that make things worse, he may not have said a word. So, make full use of it and see it as a wake-up call that not every wife gets. Go into this with the attitude that he’s going to make the most of this to not just heal things, but permanently improve them.

Accept nothing less than the root of the problem, but don’t bother him trying to find it: Many wives make the mistake of taking the attitude that their husband owes them a first-class ticket in their minds and hearts. And often it’s not just the demand to be let in, it’s the tone you adopt. Your tone implies, “I want to know exactly why you think this because I want to show you that you’re wrong” or “You’re selfish and you’re wrong. What more could you want from me?”

Obviously, these things do not endear your husband. No one wants to be told that they are not smart or perceptive enough to know what is really going on. And each will defend their right to be happy and to be in a mutually satisfying relationship.

Still, to fix this, you need to know what you’re dealing with. It would be very helpful if you could find out what is causing this change in her husband. But approach it like you just want to work with him to address and then fix the problem. She does not mean to place blame or get angry.

Often men just can’t pinpoint exactly what the root of the problem is. They will often give you vague statements like “I just don’t feel it anymore” or “I’m just not sure I want to marry, not just you, anyone.” This doesn’t help you much. But here’s one thing that’s almost always present, so much so that you don’t even need to ask. If your marriage is in trouble, it is because there is a noticeable loss of intimacy between at least one partner. When a person is deeply attached to her spouse, he does not question whether he wants to get married or not. And if problems arise, they want to fix them quickly because they don’t want to lose this closeness.

But, if your husband is in the process of retiring, you’ve already reached the point where you’ve moved past this fork in the road. The bond has weakened to the point where she has begun the process of coming to terms with this loss. So it makes sense that before you can begin to navigate the slow process of bringing him back, you must first restore this link. You can’t do this if you’re always bothering him or trying to change his mind. You must be his partner in this process, not his accuser, and not someone who only cares about himself.

Restoring the ever-important bond and understanding that your husband will go where the reward is:I have alluded to this, but now I am going to try to drive this point home. Your first step should be to restore the strong bond between you. Revisit the things you used to enjoy together. Channel the best version of yourself. Don’t come across as angry, desperate, or frantic. Introduce yourself as the loving and respectful wife who cares about her husband’s happiness.

It’s also important to understand that human nature gravitates towards where the greatest reward is. If her husband feels more positive when he is away from you than when he is with you, she will eventually want him to leave, and permanently. You have to make sure that her payment is home with you. Therefore, you need to focus on creating positive and genuine feelings for both of you. The fact that you are happier will feed your own reward, so that you can give freely to him. Remember that you want his reward to be where you are, not where you are not.