Midlife Crisis in Men
The last decades of the 20th century have seen the glorification and cult of Youth Culture. The ubiquitous Yuppies have taken the world by storm. They are savvy, incredibly dynamic, prodigiously intelligent, powerful, and ambitious. This, coupled with the sexual revolution, the obsession with male and female beauty, the various shades of feminism, and the instantaneous spread of information, has caused a “cultural earthquake” that has endowed the broad stratum of middle-aged people with a feeling of insecurity. Midlife crisis as a disease in men has been recognized since the 20th century.
Carl Jung in his book “Modern Man’s Search for His Soul” compares the phases of life to the sun’s progress across the heavens, from east to west. He places middle age between the ages of 35 to 50, and calls it the Noon of one’s existence. It can be an exciting time in life with great opportunities, if people aren’t terrified of the aging process. It should be greeted as a period of discovery, not a time of stagnation or disintegration. It demands changes in lifestyles, character and beliefs. Immature responses give way to sound decisions. The transition period lasts what is needed to reorient life and put values in order. It can be anything between three and five years.
Being aware of the changes that can occur in men and women, one needs to be psychologically prepared and recognize the symptoms when they occur, in order to avoid a turbulent crisis.
“People who prepare for a fire are more likely to survive than those who don’t,” said a wise man. And British psychoanalyst Elliot Jacques assures us that creative people like Goethe, Beethoven, Voltaire, and Ibsen have experienced midlife upheavals.
But for those who aren’t prepared, middle age can catch them off guard. One fine day, in his brisk morning walk, a man may discover that other young men have caught up with him and that he simply cannot catch up with them; Or his mirror may reveal the telltale gray at the temples or a receding hairline; Or when the kids on the street insist on calling him “uncle,” he suddenly realizes that the Big “C” has arrived. A man who has prided himself on his “macho” image reacts like a person facing imminent death. He goes through the different stages of denial, anger, depression and finds ways and means to slow down the aging process. Sudden heart attacks brought on by extreme anxiety have been known to increase in the early forties.
A drop in the hormonal level and a decrease in sexual vigor creates a kind of despair that makes you behave out of character. He may become too tedious with grooming himself, wearing fancy clothes, investing in a flashy car, or even enjoying teenage activities like clubbing. This is a time when he may fall headlong into an extramarital affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter, because his admiration and need for him heightens his fallen self-esteem. This is the classic “Sugar-Daddy” syndrome, where through the eyes of nubile girls, he feels young again. He becomes immune to the giggles of those around him. He perceives his married life as boring and monotonous. Almost 25% of divorces occur in this critical period. Spouses are injured and families break up because of this flagrant violation of sexual fidelity. As the heat of the affair dies down, he realizes that his marriage has broken down irretrievably and he has nowhere to turn for solace. And so, he can go from one issue to another, or turn to drink or drugs to calm his down spirit.
Bergler calls it “Second Emotional Adolescence.” Sometimes a middle-aged man can become sexually self-conscious about his own teenage daughter. Then self-hatred, remorse, shame, and guilt bother him.
Those who remain in a marriage may find little satisfaction. They can become moody and irritable, and spoil the peaceful atmosphere at home, picking on their poor wives through no fault of their own.
This is also a stage in which man feels trapped between two generations, each of which imposes a responsibility on him. Growing children, on the one hand, who want to assert their own independence and have difficulty relating to parents, and on the other, dependent elderly relatives who crave constant attention.
At work, professional life may have stagnated, with no prospect of further promotions; Or you may be burdened with so much responsibility that you leave no time for family and personal life; Or the competition from younger, savvy, and creative colleagues can be so fierce that you’re kept under constant strain.
And finally, he faces his own mortality. Arthritis, bifocals, diabetes, high blood pressure, and other illnesses make life uncomfortable.
Various stress factors thus come together in a middle-aged man, so much so that it has been estimated that almost 75-80% of men between 35-50 years of age suffer from mid-life problems in this century.
Transitions can be positive when properly planned. According to Freud, man has two basic needs: work and love, and Dr. Joyce Brothers says that work takes precedence over love.
This is the time for a man to review and revise the goals he has set for himself. If he has been a workaholic, he should slow down and spend quality time with his wife and children. He can sometimes discover, to his dismay, that it is too late to forge a meaningful relationship with his children. They may not be on the same wavelength anymore. They may even look askance at his sudden interest in them.
If there is an urgency to change jobs, this should be well planned and discussed with your family, as you will need their moral support. Many middle-aged people feel an internal compulsion to throw out the security of a steady job for something they’ve wanted to do all along, but couldn’t bring themselves to do. Many writers and artists feel this need. Doctors have given up lucrative jobs to handle the pen. Gaugin at the age of 35, left a secure banking job to pursue painting. He then became a great impressionist painter.
Another excellent way to insure midlife against a turbulent crisis is to build a strong marital relationship. Contemporary culture has devalued the institution of marriage and sexual fidelity. However, most of society’s ills can be traced to unhappy and unstable family situations.
“Good marriages don’t happen at the wedding ceremony. They develop over the years, through long hours of doubt and despair, adjustments and compromises,” says a psychologist. This reaches its maximum in middle age, when the stress of one or both members of the couple affects each other. The strength of a marriage lies in the ability to understand a partner’s negativity and deal with it patiently. A wife will not only understand her husband’s problem but she will listen to him, encourage him to talk about her hopes and aspirations, and evaluate and redefine her values if necessary. The man who feels secure in marriage will not hesitate to communicate his needs and fears to his spouse. Similarly, a husband will be a tower of strength for his wife who may be experiencing a midlife crisis.
Various fears grip a man in middle age. Fear of powerlessness and failure
the erection creates anxiety, mood swings, and sometimes a silent withdrawal from sex. Aging can decrease the frequency of your sexual urges. He begins to fear that his wife may develop an interest in other men. The media projects the modern woman as insatiable, and this in turn inhibits her. Extramarital affairs to save her own image are signs of a malfunctioning marriage. A good wife will not remain complacent. She will understand the confusion within her husband and will be quick to reassure him with her support and cooperation. It’s not sex that drives a man away, but a lack of intimacy. If an affair develops during this critical period, it does not mean that the marriage should end. Couples who love each other deeply are willing to forgive, especially when the offending partner is remorseful and ashamed of what happened. The discovery of the affair will rob him of her glamor and excitement, and he will act like a future unearthed. It is more important to find out the cause of the infidelity and remedy it.
Sex life does not stop in the middle of life. On the contrary, it improves, because there is a new release of inhibitions. Couples are able to shamelessly discuss intimate aspects of the relationship. Only the rhythm and pattern can change. In youth, a man climaxes in a matter of minutes, and many wives are left frustrated and sexually unsatisfied. But in middle age, when arousal is slow and erectile response weakens, a woman will have plenty of opportunity to climax with her husband, because she spends more time on foreplay and tenderness. A verbal expression of feelings for each other, a hug or a touch can bring physical satisfaction, more than the act itself. A “sexual revolution” is possible even at this age. Couples who value their sexual activity discover new aspects of each other and may choose sexual practices to experiment with. A sense of humor and the freedom to explore can keep a couple sexually active well into old age. Comedian Woody Allen, the aging Casanova, says that out of 56 sex positions, only eight can be accomplished without laughing.
Middle age also sees a slight alteration in individual roles. A man softens as he gets older. Having reached the pinnacle of his career, he now longs for closeness with his wife and his family. He expects his wife to be a loving and caring friend. However, a wife who has spent her prime years caring for her family, sacrificing her own needs, now becomes confident and assertive, and wants her own space to grow. She can even pursue career options outside of her home. As she becomes more assertive, her husband becomes less domineering. While her latent masculine traits surface, feminine aspects such as sensitivity and tenderness come to the fore in her husband. Thus a new balance of roles is achieved in all aspects of their lives. Values and convictions change. They are interested in new friends and new activities of pleasure.
Middle age can be a very special time. It opens our eyes to areas of our life that we have not lived satisfactorily and gives us the opportunity to reorient our personality. With an understanding partner by our side, who is not only our best friend but deeply committed to the marriage, middle age is never to be feared.