What is your style of loving?

A loving style is a way in which one represents oneself based on a set of beliefs developed over time. His actions correspond to his style of loving and many times, without conscious understanding. John Lee (1974) proposed a theory that described six different styles of loving that characterize intimate relationships. My take on these love styles are: romantic, playful, possessive, compassionate, altruistic, and pragmatic. The following article explains each style and how people with those styles tend to act.

1) People with romantic love style (Eros) tends to emphasize physical beauty while looking for the ideal partner. Romantic and erotic lovers delight in the visual beauty and the tactile and sensual pleasures provided by their lover’s body, and they tend to be very affectionate and openly communicative with their partners.

2) People with love game style (Ludus) like to play the field and acquire many sexual “conquests” with little or no commitment. Love is for fun, the act of seduction should be enjoyed, and relationships should remain casual.

3) People with possessive love style (Mania) are inclined to seek obsessive love relationships that are often characterized by confusion and jealousy. These people live on a roller coaster of love in which every show of affection from the lover produces ecstasy and the slightest rejection produces painful agitation.

4) People with Companionship style of love (Storge) (STOR-gay) are slow to develop affection and commitment, but tend to experience long-lasting relationships. This style is love without fervor or agitation, a peaceful and calm form of relationship that usually begins as friendship and develops over time into affection and love.

5) People with altruistic love style (Agape) are characterized by selflessness and a compassionate and loving desire to give to another without expectation or reciprocity. Such love is patient and never demanding or jealous.

6) People with Pragmatic love style (Pragma) are inclined to select lovers based on practical and rational criteria (such as shared interests) that are likely to lead to mutual satisfaction. These individuals approach love in a commercial way, trying to get the best “romantic deal” by seeking partners with social, educational, religious, and interest patterns that are compatible with their own.

So what happens when two people in a relationship have very different styles of loving? According to Lee, it suggests that relationships do not thrive over time because “too many people speak different languages ​​when they talk about love” (Lee 1974, p. 44). Although two people in a relationship say they want the same thing, their hard work is often thrown to the wolves when they try to merge incompatible love styles. Rather, satisfying and successful love relationships depend on the ability to find a partner who “shares the same approach to love and the same definition of love” (Lee 1974 p. 44). This is not to say that opposites don’t attract, artificial as it sounds, and that over time, two people can change their love style to adopt parts of each other. However, this effort requires a great deal of mutual commitment to stand the test of time to create a positive outcome.

My recommendation: do not jump to conclusions regarding the person you are with or are with. It takes time for love styles to become apparent, as other factors can interfere. For example, a woman who has a love game style during college may find that her style changes when she meets someone who has an altruistic love style and feels empowered enough over time that playing the field is no longer seems desirable. Combine that with the desire for a stable job and family, and thereafter, altruism can seem much more appreciated. Again, this is just an example. My point is that love is a constantly changing and developing feeling that is affected by our constant interactions with each other and the influences of the outside world. Given this, you never know when that love of a lifetime will show up, and it may very well be the one you’re with, you just have to pay attention, see the signs, and be willing to accept whether or not they’re right for you. you.