3 easy steps to calm your inner perfectionist
Just once or twice a day, my tendency toward perfectionism rears its head. It’s a trait I’ve had since I was born, according to my mother. I have become well acquainted with both its usefulness and how often it gets in my way.
When I first read Dr. John Sarno’s book, The Mindbody Prescription, I recognized myself in his list of personality traits, the list that describes those of us who have a tendency toward mind-body pain syndromes (or what which he calls TMS). I immediately realized that perfectionism only increases my internal stress. With all that self-pressure, it’s not a huge leap to go from a lot of stress to physical tension and pain.
Since then, I have been exploring perfectionism, both to release self-pressure and to help my clients with the same problem. I knew it would benefit me to learn to slack off, but I couldn’t quite get rid of my perfectionism. It is very well ingrained in me and my clients. What can we do about it? How can we deal with this trait without perfectionism itself showing up and saying that we must handle perfectionism perfectly? Do you see the challenge here?
The good news is that I have learned a lot about perfectionism. I came up with some tactics to deal with it so we can enjoy freedom from pain, less stress, and a more creative flow. I’ll explain one tactic today, and then I’d love to hear your feedback on how it works for you.
First, it’s important to recognize that perfectionism helps as much as it hinders. Like everything, it’s about balance. Too much perfectionism, or using it in everything in your life, creates blocked creativity, an inability to move forward, and lots of stress. However, no amount of perfectionism creates sloppy work, missed details, and frustration.
Of course, it’s important to remember that things can’t really be done perfectly. It’s just the innate human experience: there will be little flaws. Your version of perfection is someone else’s flawed version, and vice versa. It is a very subjective thing, perfection.
The three steps to calm your inner perfectionist
1) Recognize and observe…
the desire of your mind to make something perfect. This requires a bit of practice.
Notice when you feel stressed throughout the day. Every time you notice stress creeping up or increasing, ask yourself the question: Am I trying to do something perfectly? Really look closely. Take a look at the corners of your mind. Your mind might say, “Oh no, I’m not trying to do it perfectly. I just want to do it right.” Er… That’s just a clever version of perfectionism. I often notice that I like to add to my stress by trying to do things perfectly and in a hurry. Gack!
The more you observe yourself, the more you will learn. You’ll start to see patterns: areas of your life where you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect, or specific patterns of perfection repeated. Don’t underestimate the power of simple observation. It is not necessary to observe perfectly, of course. Just do it as much or as little as you want. You can write your observations in a notebook, if that helps.
2) Prioritize your Perfectionism
Once you are aware of perfectionism at this point, you can use step two. Since real perfection doesn’t exist, you can decide how perfectly you want to do what you’re doing right now. First, remember that real perfection is impossible. (Even if your mind doesn’t agree with this, it helps to tell yourself so.) Second, decide if this is a time where you would really like to give it your all, or if this is a time where you could get by with anywhere between 40-60% effort. (Or less!) It’s important to prioritize your perfectionism. Not everything really needs every ounce of your effort and best skills. Save the big guns for when you really need them, or when you enjoy tinkering and tinkering with something until it’s perfect, in your opinion of course. Saving your energy for when you really need it allows you to be much more productive.
3) Divide it
You only need step three if you have decided to go ahead and give it your all. This is a really helpful way to loosen up your perfectionism, allowing you to do your best work without feeling blocked by wanting to do it perfectly.
Divide your project into two parts. For the first part, decide that you are going to use 80% of your skills/talents/effort. The first part can also be divided into smaller parts, such as drafts or separate parts of your project. However you do it, only use 80% of your skills and aim for 80% perfection.
For the second part of your project, you can afford to go back and modify, if you feel it is necessary. This is where you can use the beneficial side of your perfectionism skills. For this last part of your project, you can review it and decide if you want to get 95% anywhere. Look to see if you want to add, edit, change, or improve it. However, before you make these changes, really do the evaluation. Can you get by with your 80% work? Does it do the job? Are you spending more time than you’d like on this project, meaning maybe 80% of it will have to? Get outside feedback, if you want. Others think it’s great and don’t see why you would change it? This will help you find that sweet spot between not enough and overdoing it when it comes to effort and time invested.
By allowing yourself that last piece of perfectionism, you can relax while doing 80% of your work. This is an important element, because shooting at 150% is pretty much guaranteed to create stress, stall your creative flow, and stop you in your tracks. 80%, on the other hand, get it. However, I’ve worked with enough clients to know that sometimes it’s scary to hit 80% after a lifetime of trying to hit 150%. That’s why you can give yourself the leeway of the two-step plan.
So, to recap, it’s 1) Observe 2) Decide whether or not you need your perfectionism skills right now 3) Break your project into two parts: 80% and then the final check.
This plan will help you create balance. You are not trying to eradicate your perfectionism. Instead, you are trying to allow her to help you when she can and calm you down when she can’t. In the end, you’ll find a lot of stress relief from prioritizing your perfectionism instead of working really hard and using tons of mental energy in every single thing you do.