How your life can make sense after the death of a loved one

How can you find meaning in life now that your loved one has died? How can existence have any purpose? It is common to feel that life is over for you. When someone we love is no longer physically present, we are often plagued by despair, emptiness, and purposelessness.

Although grievance therapists know that this is a common but temporary experience, it is not common or temporary as far as you are concerned. It is all too real and deeply painful to consider what the death of your loved one means.

1. The first step you need to take is, at some point in your grief, to decide that you will move toward restoration. I can’t tell you when that will happen; only you can make the call. In short, you must form the intention to reinvest in life despite all the inner feelings that say, no way. You may not be able to do it today. Later, a little at a time, will do. However, it is clear that a loss orientation always leads to stagnation and increased unhappiness.

One of the secrets of human behavior is discovering that you can act your way on new beliefs and assumptions about life. Yes, act. You don’t have to start with the positive mental attitude that everyone talks about. This happens in someone’s life every day. What they never thought could happen inside suddenly changes due to their persistent fantasy behavior.

Act as you wish to be is an ancient recipe for adapting to change. Hard work? Yes. However, it always works, if you do one thing: keep acting “as if”. This means acting like you are where you want to be.

2. Embracing the unfamiliar is the second step. It is the familiar and predictable that gives us a sense of security. The loss of your loved one forces you to face a new world, a new life, devoid of the presence of the person who gave life so much meaning. You will have to face the unknown, learn new skills and reach out, or live a very limited existence. That is a fact. But you can approach the task with a special motivation to find ways to reinvest your emotional energy.

Here’s a sample of what others have done. Take short or long trips to places you’ve never been. They can be places near your home or outside the country. Start trying foods from other cultures. Some can be purchased at your local supermarket. Others can be tried in restaurants. Try a sport or exercise that you have never done before. It could be Yoga, Tai Chi, boating, breathing exercises or golf as a beginner. Never stop learning. There are thousands of things we have never done.

3. When welcoming the unknown, don’t be too controlling. Let all that you discover in your attempts to embrace the unexplored unfold. Don’t judge too soon if it’s good or not so good for you. See all it has to offer giving you plenty of time and space to play its part in your daily life. Consider the satisfaction it brings and the interpersonal relationships it builds in your assessment to make it part of your new life or abandon it. Let these events unfold to create a multiplicity of possibilities and wonders for your greater good. Study the possibilities carefully.

4. Deep down, you are looking for a meaning to the death of your loved one and to a life without him/her. Realize how important meaning is. It is the steering wheel of life around which everything is organized; you are a universe of meanings and emotions. It builds and tears down, it brings sadness or joy, it launches you into the past or makes you interconnected in a network of relationships. Changes in meaning can bring changes in your ability to cope; even your body will respond in a healthier way.

We act and believe what is meaningful and makes sense. The meaning will change your life for better or worse, all in how you choose to perceive an event. The miracle of it is that you can find a new meaning for your life, let go of the old, and cooperate with the massive changes imposed by the loss. Because it is the meaning that will keep you connected with your loved one and you will learn to love in separation.

Remember that all of the above works if you: act as you wish to be, seek and accept the unknown, and refuse to be controlling while allowing the new to unfold. This will make it easier to diligently search your mental life for other meanings in the death of your loved one and in your life. What other meanings can you find?