The ethics of birthday party invitations
One might think that there is nothing more innocent and free-spirited than the act of extending invitations to a birthday party. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Because within the planning of children’s birthday parties and the offering of invitations is a minefield full of ethical obstacles and booby traps. Here are three tips to help you maneuver the maze.
Pointer #1: Invitation Suits
How tempting it is for a child to pull out a birthday party invitation after friction goes into a friendship. “You are no longer invited to my birthday party!” it is a common schoolyard choir. However, it is important that your child knows that an invitation, like a gift, cannot be claimed. It is best to wait up to four weeks before the party date before sending invitations, verbal or written.
It is rare the child who does not realize an upcoming birthday. I once heard Sam’s older sister, age 9, say, “So, Sam, you’re going to see all your friends this afternoon.”
Glanced up. “Because?”
“Today is your birthday party!” she yelled at herself, exasperated.
“Oh,” he said with a shrug. “Good.”
Other young people begin to seriously plan the next birthday party at the moment when the ribbons of the current holiday are removed from the floor. In between are children of various inclinations. Here’s your cue: As soon as your child begins to verbalize plans for the upcoming birthday party, say, “Remember, don’t invite anyone until [give a date four weeks before the party or a reference point such as a holiday, beginning/end of school, etc.] You never know who you will still be friends with later. Because once you give an invite, it sticks.”
Indicator #2: A guest is 100% invited
Guest overlap is another common dynamic. Young people will freely announce who is “next in line” at their birthday party. However, forming a waiting list all too clearly demonstrates to children that they are waiting for their secondary ranking and below. It is better for your child to understand that if a guest is invited, the guest is one hundred percent invited.
Friends who weren’t invited to the party may ask your child, “How come I didn’t get invited to your birthday party?” or even continue with: “You were invited to mine.” Your child might respond by saying, “I was only allowed to have [#] guests. Do you want to come over to my house to play soon?” Then she sets up the play date.
In the suburbs, it is not uncommon for children to invite a large number of guests to an afternoon party, and of that group, to invite a smaller number of their “closest” friends to stay for a night or sleepover. . If your son proposes such an arrangement, don’t think for a second that guests not invited to stay won’t find out about the most desirable party, later on. Faster than the speed with which a birthday present is opened, the word will spread. Those who are not invited will instantly and sadly take notice of their diminished stature. On more than one occasion I picked up my daughter from a birthday party to find her struggling to hold back tears, while other parents nearby similarly comforted her also abandoned children and knew the real the party was just beginning.
Make sure your child understands that when a guest is invited, they are 100 percent invited.
Tip #3: Distribute Invitations Discreetly
Completing and sending out birthday party invitations is a chore. It’s no wonder parents are tempted to expedite the process by hand-delivering birthday party invitations to the school.
When my youngest daughter, Hannah, was in preschool, I noticed parents stuffing birthday party invitations into the kids’ square open cubbies. While this method presented no problem when all the children in a class were invited to a party, when some young people were invited and not others, especially when the invitations were in brightly colored envelopes, it was too light for those who were not. invited that there was no envelope in his cubicle In the preschool years, it is best for parents to deliver invitations directly to other parents or caregivers. Or, if that’s not possible due to work schedules, make amends and mail them. Better yet, send the invitations by email if that’s a good alternative.
The tendency to hand out invitations in public places runs through the grades. In the ruckus that followed a high school play, I saw a preteen handing out birthday party invitations to a delighted crowd that surrounded her. Looking around, I noticed that other young people were also watching the excitement and they weren’t so happy about it.
Let these three tips guide you in defusing ethical cheating in the world of birthday party invitations. Perhaps it’s not too much of an exaggeration to say that the genre of children’s birthday party invitations represents a microcosm of American ethical practices. Aren’t those daily interactions of family dynamics the grain of our lives?
So approach those birthday parties with energy, vigor and knowledge. With her guidance, give your child another type of gift, one that lasts longer.