What to do when your husband no longer loves you
Hearing that your husband no longer loves you is probably on the list of the three phrases you most fear to hear. Unfortunately, many of the wives I hear from have recently heard their husbands say these words. Sometimes the husband will make this admission in the middle of an argument or fight. And he sometimes he sits her wife down and tries to break the news to her as nicely as he can. I’m not quite sure which is worse.
The bottom line is that no matter how you say the words, hearing that he doesn’t love you anymore is not only devastating, but it raises more questions than answers. Wives who contact me about this are often not sure how to proceed. Many think that if their husband no longer loves them, then there is really nothing they can do but try to end the marriage as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Although this situation is very difficult, I have seen it change countless times. Just because her husband said something in the heat of the moment doesn’t always make it true. And, even if it is, I’ve seen that the right strategy makes even reluctant husbands “fall in love” all over again. I will discuss this more in the next article.
You should know that although he may well think or say that he no longer loves you, his statement is not necessarily the reality: Your husband may mean every word you say and may not even be trying to cheat on you. But sometimes, she projects the problems she has in other areas of her life onto what’s right and there, like her marriage. This is called projection and it is very common. This does not mean that she is happy with your marriage or that it is perfect. In fact, the fact that she says that she doesn’t love you often reflects her dissatisfaction with the way the marriage is going (at least lately).
But there’s a big difference between being frustrated and wanting to get a reaction and not really loving yourself anymore. Many women will try very hard to get to the “truth” about this or to define how it “really feels.” They will harass her husband to define how much he doesn’t love them or constantly ask him if he is changing his mind. The truth is, it’s usually better to use this as a wake-up call and take action than to worry so much about specific definitions or clarifications.
Don’t assume that her “I don’t love you anymore” statement means the marriage is over: Many of the wives who write to me give up on their marriage soon after hearing these words. They think that if her husband doesn’t love them, the next logical step is to let him go or get divorced. The thing is, the wife still loves him and we’re still not sure how she really feels, as things are still explosive and fresh. There is no reason to give up until it is clear that you have to. Frankly, you’re probably still in the early stages and things really could go either way.
I have seen countless marriages recover from this and have seen many men “fall back in love” with their wives as soon as those same wives began to handle this correctly. A hurtful statement (which was probably intended to provoke a reaction) doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. You can change this, but change cannot happen if you give up or get so discouraged that you do nothing.
Getting a husband to “fall in love again” with his wife: Even if we assume that the husband was 100% accurate in what he said, this does not mean that “being in love” cannot return to your marriage. People seem to constantly want to reflect on whether they are in love with their spouse. I probably hear from wives whose husbands have told them that they love them but are not “in love” with them on an almost daily basis.
And, most people assume that when one spouse falls out of love, there’s really nothing either spouse can do about it. An assumption like this is not only false, but it can spell the end of your marriage when it doesn’t have to.
To understand how people can fall in love again, you have to understand why they fell in love in the first place. People assume it’s some kind of chemical reaction or fate, and while these things may factor into the equation, there are plenty of other things that go into “falling in love” as well. What attracts one person from another is quite individual, but it’s when the relationship is new and both people are on their best behavior and devoting their time and efforts to the relationship that the “crush” occurs.
And once it does, people assume it’s never going to end, and after you’re married, it’s easy to become complacent and take these things for granted. After you get married and have to handle all your commitments and obligations, it makes sense that you can no longer spend the time and effort you used to spend on your spouse.
This is completely normal and happens in most of the marriages I see. But it’s also very detrimental to that very marriage, and it’s the most common reason people assume they don’t love their spouse anymore. The good news is that once you change your priorities and time allocations, feelings will often change as well. As soon as you change your priorities to become the spouse you want yourself to be, that’s when you see people “falling in love” again. Understand that most men want to feel understood, appreciated, and wanted. If you can genuinely meet these needs, you may see those loving feelings return.
The chemistry hasn’t necessarily changed. No one has sprinkled magic or pixie dust on the relationship. But what you put in is directly proportional to what you take away. And the feelings it evokes are typically directly proportional to the efforts you put into it. Understanding this is the first step in bringing love back into your marriage.