Climbing the ladder of listening
I wrote in my book “Embracing the Mystery” that there was nothing so flattering or so rare as the undivided attention of another. The fact is that people just don’t listen well. I think it was Mark Twain who wrote that a bore is someone who wants to talk about himself when I want to talk about myself. How many times have you experienced someone asking you a question, not out of genuine concern for what you have to say, but as an opportunity for them to inundate you with their thoughts and opinions on a topic?
People are hungry to be heard for someone to care enough to suspend their own agenda in the interests of others. Sadly, such selfless and caring people are few…
Once, at a party, a man came up to me and told me that my wife, Carol, was a great conversationalist. On the way home that same night I told Carol what she had said and asked what she had done to give him that impression. She thought for a moment and said, “All I did was ask her questions about her life and listen to her answers. From her answers I asked more questions.” That is the secret of a good conversation… LISTEN WELL.
From Carol’s insight, I have developed what I call the listening ladder. Climb the listening ladder and you’ll be on your way to better social interaction.
THE LADDER OF LISTENING
L. Look at the person speaking to you. This alone sends the message that you are focused and involved.
A. Ask additional questions that arise from the answers given to your original opening questions. Remember that you learn what to say by listening to what has been said.
D. Do not interrupt. The only time an interruption is acceptable is when you need clarification.
D. Don’t change the subject. The announcer will indicate when he has finished his story.
E. Empathize with the speaker. Short phrases like, “How interesting.” “How interesting.” “You must be very proud.” Send the speaker the message that you are a caring and empathetic listener.
A. Respond to what is said verbally and non-verbally. A simple nod or nod towards the speaker indicates interest and attention. Add to this phrases such as, “I see.” “Actually?” “Alright?” and enrich your answer.
In conclusion I want to make something clear. Conversation is a two way affair. Most of the conversations are monologues performed in the presence of an observer. If, after a reasonable period of time, the speaker is not willing to ask you a question and become a listener, he should end the interaction and continue. I usually give the speaker ten minutes. If, after that time, I haven’t been asked a question or my opinion, I say something like, “It was nice talking to you. The conversation SHOULD be reciprocal.
I like the story of the self-possessed Hollywood star who was overheard telling an admirer, “Enough of you talking about me. I’d like to hear you talk about me for a while.” There is a lot of truth in this little story.
Good luck climbing the listening ladder. The view from the top is fantastic.