5 Ways to Avoid Awkward Questions After Divorce and Separation

Anne was shocked and upset last week when a colleague turned around and said: “So who wanted the divorce? Whose choice was it?” They accepted it because neither of them wanted a divorce! No one gets married “wanting” to get a divorce, she thought. She said she was surprised because, although she was the one who said “our marriage is over,” she had never seen divorce as an option at first. It wasn’t until, after many years of trying to make the relationship work, that she realized there was no hope of change and they couldn’t go on living as they were. Her children were her main concern, but she agreed with her ex that they would wait until she finished the school year before telling her. But she certainly didn’t “want a divorce” and this comment cut her like a knife. She wanted to retort “Nobody wanted him, idiot, and mind your own business” (or worse!) but instead she felt pressured to tell him everything that happened and really regretted it afterwards, since she didn’t want anyone. at work. Know her business. It was Anne’s first coaching session with me and we decided it would be a good idea to create ways to avoid uncomfortable questions.

Anne isn’t the only one being asked inappropriate, personal, or hurtful questions after separation and divorce. Fear of other people’s reaction to the divorce can make some people feel so anxious that they don’t want to socialize or leave the house. Unfortunately, this can lead to further isolation, at a time when they most need the support of others. So today’s article is dedicated to providing examples of ways to answer and avoid awkward questions.

celebrity response

This is really powerful when you’re first going public with your divorce, and it’s also helpful for answering awkward questions. In the example above “Who wanted a divorce”. The celebrity’s response would go something like this: “It’s a mutually supportive decision that we’ve made together after a long and careful consideration process.” If you and your ex can come to a mutually agreeable statement, then you can help avoid gossip. I also recommend statements like this because it helps friends, family, and children feel like they don’t have to take sides.

humorous response

Humor can be used to avoid answering a question by making a lighthearted joke or a self-deprecating joke. Humor can also be used to cut through the difficult and disturbing elements of a question. For example, in response to “What happened?” You might laugh and say, “If we only knew” or “I have no idea.” Another example Gary used when asked “Where will you live?” was “In a house with a roof and water, I hope.” If you want to use a humorous response, you have to be confident, and that’s not always easy, especially during the divorce process.

reflected response

Reflecting is where you ask the person back, find out why they are asking. It puts the spotlight on them, especially if you feel their questions are inappropriate. An example of this would be looking into their eyes, smiling, and asking a question. For examples in response to “Why are you divorcing?” You might ask, “Why do you want to know?” or “I wonder why this question is important to you?” or “Would it make a difference if you knew?” The nice thing about responding with a question is that the conversation can easily stray from the original question.

final issue response

If you have children, you may hear from people who want to know about their children and the effect you have had on them. Hasan was told: “At least your children have grown up.” Dave’s boss said otherwise. “At least your kid is only 2 and probably doesn’t understand everything.” In reality, the age of your children makes little difference. The issues you will initially face are simply different and it is still difficult for everyone involved. In this case, you may want to acknowledge their comments or concerns about you and the children, but end the topic as: “Thanks for asking, we were all doing the best we can, thank you” or “The children are naturally upset, but they they fixed them.” penalty fee.”

blocking response

I make sure everyone I work with has 1-2 blocking responses that they can use and we rehearse them. Like the worst thing you want to do at a social gathering or business event is get mad, upset, or spill too much and then regret it. A blocking response is one where, as politely as possible, while maintaining eye contact and smiling (or at least without looking angry), you state that you won’t answer that question. Use this whenever you feel the question has crossed the lines of appropriateness or is too intimate. A block answer is an answer that you can use for any question that you don’t have an answer to or that you don’t want to answer. For example, if someone says, “Whose decision was it?” you can respond with “It’s not quite black and white. We’ve decided we can’t stay married.” Or if someone asks: “So you will move?” or “Who will have the children?” you might reply “We haven’t decided yet.” Other examples might be “I appreciate your curiosity, but I don’t feel comfortable answering that” or “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel right sharing that information” or “I’m not in the habit of answering questions that are so incredibly personal at work/ social events”. Or “we agree not to say anything to other people”

Divorce Coach Precautions: Beware of

Nosy family members: It’s you and your spouse who are divorcing. Therefore, it is your right to keep private information private. Sometimes, because it’s about family, we feel like we need to go into detail, but only share what you’re comfortable with. Hasan didn’t want his parents to know the details of why his marriage was ending in divorce. He was still dealing with shame, anger and disappointment and told his family very little about him. A week later he learned that his aunt had started calling his wife Abeer wanting to know more about her and asking her difficult questions. Hasan was furious when he found out, but very grateful that he and Abeer had agreed not to share details. Abeer respected and honored her agreement, and thankfully, the divorce from her remained amicable. When going public with a divorce, it is important to agree on who to tell which person.

Coworkers: Guard against sharing too many details with them. The last thing you want is to be talking about your divorce at the office. One of the most important things to do when going through separation and divorce is to build a good divorce support team. A good divorce support team might include a few close friends or family members, a coach, an accountant, and a lawyer.

Gossips: If someone jumps into a conversation that they heard something about the end of your marriage, avoid adding more fuel to your fire by spreading gossip. For example, if someone replies with something like. “Oh yeah, I heard she was obsessed with work and didn’t do much at home.” Or “I heard she had a drinking problem and was out all the time.” Don’t take the bait and start badmouthing your ex or calling your ex out, accusing him or her of saying such hurtful things. You want to know the facts and not assume that it is definitely your spouse who has been talking about you or your marriage, it could just be idle gossip. I have seen good co-parenting relationships destroyed when they believe one party has been spreading rumors or lying to the children, when they have not. Accusations and arguments between you cause more damage and are more difficult to repair. When you hear comments like this it’s best not to react as gossipers want a reaction that’s what they are waiting for so use your blocking response.

Remember that it’s often about them, not you.

Tough questions often reflect more on the person asking them than on you: you may be having problems with your own marriage and trying to assess whether yours is over or at risk as well. They might be trying to make sense of it, especially if you seem like the “perfect match” to them. The questions may also reflect your discomfort with the divorce, I understand that sometimes myself as a divorce coach. Occasionally people feel uncomfortable at the mention of the word divorce for personal reasons, so don’t take it personally (easier said than done, I know!). Lastly, they may be trying to figure out how they should respond to the news: should they congratulate you or pity you? So they’re just trying to react the way they think you want them to. The best thing to do is try not to be too sensitive, and if you are upset, talk to someone.

In summary, I recommend that you create some answers and practice them with a close friend/family member or trainer. They can also help you brainstorm what questions people might ask, so you feel totally comfortable in all situations. The more you prepare and rehearse what you are going to say, the less likely you are to be caught off guard and say something you later regret. You’ll definitely want to come up with a great list of questions kids might ask when you tell them about the divorce.

Remember, with whom you share what your decision is. Defend this right!